I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
