I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
