Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
