Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
