Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
