Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
