Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
