that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
