Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
