So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
