remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize