My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
