We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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