I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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