return my video game
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
