They should really pass out barf bags in church
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So much rum. So many feels.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
