meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
