after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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