Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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