I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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