Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
