i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Randomize
