yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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