It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I did not marry a roomba.
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