I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize