Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
