His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
