well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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