For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i think my cat just said my name.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
