put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
