I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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