you didnt know i had herpes?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
