My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
