In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
