I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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