I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
