After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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