Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
