Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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