We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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