Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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