I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
