I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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