just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
