I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just found puke in my bra..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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