she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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