I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
PANTIES FOUND
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