i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
