There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize