my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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