She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
