textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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