My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
