Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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