Plan B is the new Plan A
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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