I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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