I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
