I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
