I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
