Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
