She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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