I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
