I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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